I know personally that it can feel a bit awkward to give or receive compliments, the protocol on when to compliment someone and how to react is a bit confusing to me. But I also like to imagine a society in which complimenting people was a more normal thing to do; where being open about how we feel (including our positive feelings towards others – complimenting them) was encouraged and normalised. However much of the time when we do compliment people it is appearance based. This is difficult because it can sometimes reduce someone to their appearance, which they don’t always have control over, and looks past who they are as a person and what they mean in our lives – especially when it’s to do with their body and not the way they dress (something they may use as a form of expression) for example. So I’ve put together a list of 50 compliments and open statements that are not appearance based. My challenge to you is to compliment at least one person a day for the next week on something other than their appearance. Let me know how it goes and any other ideas for compliments in the comments below!
You make me smile
You’re funny
You make me happy
You’re kind
You make me feel safe
You glow
Your sensitivity is so strong
I appreciate you
You inspire me
You’re so strong
I admire your work ethic
You mean a lot to me
I love your honesty
You have a great mindset
You’re so brave
You’re so loving
You’re are worthy
I am comfortable around you
You did great today
You are a warm person
You’re so understanding
You are a good listener
You are really insightful
You always care
You’re wonderfully unique
You are perfect exactly as you are
I wish more people were like you
I respect you
I trust you
I’m so happy you’re in my life
You’ve flourished as a person
You make a difference
You’re becoming even more amazing – and I didn’t think that was possible
How often do you take time to stop and appreciate life? Even when it feels like everything’s going wrong? It’s not a test, I just want to encourage you to honestly consider how often you purposefully notice the good in the world. How often do you pause? You might be the kind of person that never does this, or the kind that laughs it off as some more mindfulness nonsense (I know that word can get on my nerves sometimes). Or maybe you try but it’s too difficult, or you feel like you aren’t present enough, aren’t appreciating things enough, so you might as well not try because you’re not getting it right. Maybe sometimes you do this a lot and other times not at all.
Personally I make a list at the end of every single day with things I’m grateful for. And some days I really deeply feel that gratitude – somewhere indescribable in my core. And other days I’m more like going through the motions. But I make this list every day, and I have for the last 617 days – since I started addiction recovery. I guess that’s kind of been helpful for motivating me to continue with the gratitude practice because I do kind of see it as a life or death thing personally – I either do the things that keep me sober or my life takes a serious turn for the worse. However, that’s not the only reason I do it; I’ve genuinely come to love what practising gratitude in specific (such a small thing) does in my everyday life. And looking back on my mental health journey I’ve realised it became an instinct for me to practise gratitude very early on – though I didn’t realise that’s what I was doing. And that’s interesting.
When I started to recover from my first full-blown, 9 months long, very-not-good depressive episode, I started this little practice for myself. Every day I recorded: 3 good things I noticed in the world that day, 2 good things I did that day, and 1 good thing someone else did for me that day. They could be as small as I ate some food, or got out of bed (which are not always small feats at all), or someone said hello back, the colours of the leaves are changing on the trees etc. Sometimes they were much bigger than that of course, but actually the best emotional rewards came out of finding those tiny little things to list every day, especially on the days it felt like there wasn’t anything good in the world. I realise now I had created for myself a sort of gratitude practice.
This came about because at one of my very lowest points, in a desperate attempt to help myself (I was essentially in a headspace of ‘this has got to work or there is no hope left’) I came up with the idea to write two lists. First I wrote a list of all the good things in the world – with the caveat that I didn’t have to think they were good at the time – because nothing seemed good at the time – I just had to have thought they were good/ fun/ not utterly miserable at some point in time. The second list was all the things I would never get to do if I wasn’t around anymore. And something incredible happened while I was writing those lists. Half way through writing the first list I started to realise I wasn’t just remembering things that used to feel good, I was actually starting to feel a faint sense of happiness about these things in the present. Half way through writing the second list I realised I wasn’t listing things I would never get to do, I was listing things I wanted to do in the future. I could actually, faintly, see a future and feel joy.
It’s interesting to me looking back for several reasons:
My natural instinct when searching for something to help me was to practise gratitude
Practising gratitude had an immediate effect
Despite not wanting to do many things, I wanted to continue to practise gratitude
Practising gratitude consistently actually started to change my perspectives on the world and allowed me to be able to take a step back when things got tough again. It essentially created and trained a little voice in my head that no matter how bad things got was there whispering that it would be ok, that not everything was awful
My instincts for survival and healing are fascinating to me because as someone who slipped through cracks of the mental health system, I find them a practically spiritual thing that came to me in depths of hurt. Of course that might not be the way you look at it, and gratitude has been proven in multiple studies to be a powerful tool, but for me the fact that I automatically reached for gratitude suggests that there must be powerful forces of ‘good’ and love in the universe.
Fast forward a few years and I found myself in addiction recovery, where practising gratitude daily is a foundation of healing. That’s where I realised that what I had done those years before in creating those lists was practising gratitude. So I started doing it again, listing things I am grateful for every day, and in fact sharing them with others – another very healing exercise. Being grateful doesn’t mean we ignore the hurt and wrongdoing in the world, nor does it mean we have to settle for the way our lives are currently. But it does allow us a stable basis to build from; a calm to return to. And it really increases how wonderful the bright things in life feel!
From a scientific standpoint gratitude has been proven to yield many benefits. Here are just five:
It improves empathy and reduces aggression
It helps improve sleep
It boosts self confidence
It strengthens relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners
It aids the immune system
Personally it grounds me, makes me feel connected to the wider world, helps me feel more peaceful and content, and takes me out of my thoughts.
I encourage everyone to try practising gratitude daily for a few weeks, and see how it affects you. If a few weeks seems like too much, then just start with today. The very simple way to practise gratitude is to simply ask yourself the question: What am I grateful for? Allow any thoughts, images and feelings to arise, and try not to judge them. It might help to take a deep breath and sit somewhere quiet – or it might help to have something to entertain your hands like a fidget toy, depending on how your brain works (it’s stuff that gets said a lot, I know, but it is actually helpful).
Here are some questions to ask and ways to record your gratitude practice:
You could try writing out a list of 10 things you’re grateful for; that’s what I do most often
You could do a mind map
Illustrate some things you’re grateful for
Make a moodboard on pinterest or from magazine clippings
Ask, what is a kind thing someone else has done for me today? What are the kindest things people have ever done for me?
What brings me joy? What used to bring me joy as a child?
What makes me smile?
What are the three most important items to me?
Who are influential people in my life?
The possibilities are limitless
I really hope you enjoyed reading this blog and that you give some gratitude practice a go! Best thing is it’s not a new skill, it’s something you’ve likely felt many times throughout your life – all we’re doing is tapping into an emotional tool with intentionality. Let me know your experiences in the comments below!
I’ve made a previous post on reasons to stay alive, which you can read here, but I wanted to create another list of good things in the world. It’s like a list of reasons to live, but also a list of reasons to be grateful (a very important practice in my life), and a list of reminders to see the little good things in life when things get rough or stressful. Use this list to find a moment of pause in your day to connect with some peace, and let yourself connect with the goodness in this world. There’s a lot of issues and sadness, and we can’t ignore that, but sometimes we do need a moment to escape the pressure.
Potatoes – they can be cooked in so many different ways!
The smell of the air after it’s rained
Crunchy leaves
Handwritten letters
Listening to the sound of the sea in seashells
Chameleons – they literally change colour, that’s insane!
The amazing activists and advocates trying to create a better world for us full of hope
The internet. It’s really quite incredible if you stop to think about it
Video calls allowing us to see each other and connect from afar
Really soft fluffy blankets
All the different kinds of music and how all of us can find different pieces beautiful
Board games
Deck of cards – how many different games and tricks you can do, and how they’re unlikely to ever be in the same order!
Snow under your feet
Sledding down a hill
Laughing until your belly hurts
Hats.
The northern lights – they’re like magic!
How many different languages exist
The top of ice cream before anyone takes a scoop
Really cold water on a hot day
A cat’s purring
Bluetooth
The smell of old books
The smell of new books
The smell of freshly mown grass
The smell of freshly baked bread
Pretty sparklers and fairy lights
The Fibonacci sequence
Those random acts of kindness from a stranger that brighten a day – like letting you go first in line, offering a tissue, holding a door
Dogs little paws and toe beans
Bubbles
How many different flowers there are!
The miracle of ecosystems in nature
The feeling of floating in the sea
Building sandcastles
Clouds at sunset when the light illuminates them
Hugs
The amazing scientific advancements being made every day
Shooting stars
Book clubs (or any kind of community club, it’s so lovely to get together over a shared love and interest)
Amateur dramatic theatre – it’s totally about doing what you love together, no other reason!
Magnets (just so fun to play with and the science is actually very cool)
Charity shops and thrift stores
People sharing their knowledge and encouragement on the internet
Pillow fights
Water fights (why stop doing the things you loved as a kid just because you’ve gotten older)
Electricity
Beautiful trees
Daisies close up at night like they’re going to sleep
Sunflowers turn to face the sun
The colours of leaves changing in autumn
Teddy bears
The infinity of imagination
Community gardens
People being brave enough to live their truth and share their stories every day even though it may be dangerous or stigmatised
Libraries (they offer the gift of reading to so many more people)
The word ‘serendipity’
Public transport linking us easier
Funky hair dyes (and the amazing things people do with them)
Fidget toys and logic puzzles
Hilarious movies we can bond over and laugh at
Free education (hopefully one day equal and free education will be available to all)
Poetry that reflects our own experiences and feelings
Funny animal videos
Free guided meditation videos
Peer support groups
Smiles
So much art and creativity in so many different forms that connects us, reflects and shapes culture, and inspires
Calculators you can type rude words on
AAC communication devices allowing nonverbal people to communicate easier
Medical and emotional assistance animals
Hot chocolate (or your other favourite warm drink)
Colour changing lights, they are so cool
Written letters
Messages of kindness from strangers posted online or scrawled in public everyday
Blue tac
Glasses and hearing aids – imagine what it was like before we had them!
Apps for so many different things, making knowledge and the world more accessible for many
Woodland walks
Friendships
Love is all around us in so many different forms
Dad jokes
People donate blood to save others every day
Audiobooks making reading more accessible
Picnics
Pizza – circle shape, in a square box, cut into triangles
Alcohol-free alternatives
Fluffy socks
Showing gratitude
Bird song in the morning
Finding a penny on the ground
Running through sprinklers
Feeling of popping bubble wrap
Hearing a song you used to love and had forgotten about \
Seeing an old friend for the first time in a while and picking up like you only saw them yesterday
When you have a really cool dream and you can remember it when you wake up
Eating breakfast food at night or dinner food in the morning
That cosy feeling when it’s rainy outside but you’re warm inside
I’ve always loved reading, so today I wanted to share with you 5 books that have been incredibly important to me in my mental health journey as a teenager dealing with mental illness. Let me know what books have been impactful in your journey in the comments below – I would love to hear about them!
The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher
This book isn’t actually specific to mental illness, but it introduced me to Carrie Fisher – an incredible Bipolar disorder and addiction advocate – and that changed my life.
When I found this book I felt very alone and unseen, but reading this was like seeing my brain laid out on a page. Someone else thought like I did, felt like I did. I’ve gone on to read all of her other books which range from entertaining to informative. And they are all hilarious. Carrie Fisher’s ability to turn a phrase is totally unique and unrivalled.
Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain by Portia de Rossi
When I finally realised I had problems with food and restriction, I was struggling to wrap my head around it. This book helped me understand the severity of what was going on, and again made me feel less alone. It also helped me to understand the way I thought about food was not normal or healthy and how much it was hurting me, because I got to see it from an outside perspective.
I will warn that the details in this book are potentially very triggering and not necessarily helpful to those grappling with disordered eating, so a warning there if you are considering reading it.
Sedated: How Modern Capitalism Created Our Mental Health Crisis by James Davies
This book was important to me as I started to be a bit more sceptical and analytical of the major narrative on mental health and the mental health system. I’ve had my fair share of unhelpful and downright damaging interactions with the psychiatric complex, and I started to question how we view, understand, and categorise mental distress, but it’s hard to find any research or information out there that even slightly criticises the accepted narrative. This book not only verbalised new ways to consider these issues but also provided evidence and further studies to explore. Of course, I don’t blindly accept everything in this book either – that would be counterproductive. But it was a huge relief to discover it and really helped me form a foundation for reimagining how we consider mental health and mental health systems within the wider social context of a capitalistic society.
4.48 Psychosis by Sarah Kane
This is actually a play not a book but I’ve only ever read the full script, not seen it performed, though my class did perform extracts as part of coursework, which was another interesting experience.
In late February/ March 2020 I was experiencing my first mixed episode and it was truly overwhelming and terrifying. Sitting at my teacher’s desk in the drama studio I was scribbling something resembling poetry across several sheets of paper and one of my drama teachers caught a glimpse. They had been doing a truly incredible job of looking after me (something way above their pay grade) but I think by this point they were at a loss for what to do or how to help me process what was happening to me.
However, upon seeing what I was writing this teacher remarked how it reminded her of Sarah Kane’s work. My teachers had a debate over whether to show me the play or not – after all it’s true it could have definitely triggered me further – but without much else to do, they gave it to me and told me to read it and come up with ideas of how it might be staged (a tactic that provided me a task to complete which was very helpful).
I read the play and it was the first time in days that I felt anything close to calm or focused. The disorganised, brutal admissions of a mentally ill mind came to life around me and made perfect sense while the world around me seemed to make less and less sense.
It made me feel seen in ways I had never experienced before, and also helped me realise that creativity doesn’t have to be neat nor does it have to conform to people’s sensibilities. My expression is mine alone and it can be as raw as I choose.
I will say please use discretion if you’re going to read this and perhaps have someone on stand-by in case it affects you because it is very raw and cuts to the point of pain in a way I don’t think many of us are used to. Also I’d provide a trigger warning for pretty much everything for this one, but especially for self harm, psychiatric trauma, and suicide.
People, Places, and Things by Duncan Macmillan
Again, this is not actually a book but a play (can you tell theatre is my passion yet?) and I’ve never seen it performed. Emma – the leading lady – is my absolute dream role.
This is basically a play about a woman’s journey through rehab and addiction into recovery, and I discovered it while still in active addiction but while I was still in denial. I related so much to her and her words; it helped me come to terms with my own addiction. And it gave me hope for recovery.
Like 4.48 Psychosis some of the lines feel so deeply true it was almost jarring. And the innovation of the structure along with how it could be staged filled me with ideas and excitement for theatre all over again.
As an autistic person with mental illnesses sometimes it can be hard to figure out who I am.
If you have diagnoses you might feel like you have to split up parts of yourself and your actions into boxes, like this part of you is autism and that part of you is anxiety, for example.
Or you might feel like your whole identity is your diagnoses.
Even without a diagnosis you might feel like parts of you are defined by the way you feel, split up and separate.
This can make us feel like we have to be ashamed of these parts of ourselves or like we are not really whole. It can be confusing to know who we are and find our identity in the midst of it all.
Then you add in other identity factors like sexuality, gender, and race which in many cases can complicate our mental health and understanding of ourselves even further – especially because it impacts how others see us, and this is even more prevalent for minority identities.
Rather than trying to see ourselves as a selection of different parts and separate ourselves into these parts, maybe we can start to think of it more like colours blended together and filters on the image of who we are.
Like my anxiety is red and it bleeds into my passion for theatre which is blue. They mix to create a purple in the middle, and that’s where stage fright lives. But all the colours are a part of me, blending together to make me who I am.
And my autism is a filter with a yellow tinge and that does affect how I view and interact with the whole world, but it isn’t my whole identity, nor is it separate to every other part of me. They all work together in different ways to make me who I am.
At the end of the day, you don’t have to have everything figured out about your life and who you are. No one does. It’s a journey and an ongoing process which can be really scary to think about. But it’s actually pretty amazing, all these colours that make up the rainbow of you, changing and growing each day. Remember – no one but you gets to define who you are; your identity is personal and you don’t owe it to anyone else, nor do you need to define who you are!
But you are wonderfully unique, allowed to take up space, and your rainbow is so much more than you could ever imagine.
Our Happy Notes 