Reasons to Stay Alive

When I was at one of the lowest points of my life, six months into a crushing depressive episode, I made a list of reasons to stay alive. My mind was plagued with suicidal thoughts, yet there was something inside of me that told me I didn’t want to die – I just wanted the pain to stop. So I sat down to write a list of reasons to stay alive. This list could also be called a list of where to find hope in life, and where to find some happiness. I started small and gradually I built up the reasons to bigger ideas. I am so thankful that I made it through that time because though I continue to struggle, I am stronger and more appreciative of the things around me. Below is a list specific to me in parts, but one that I hope might remind someone that there are some things in this life worth living for, even if just for a moment more, and the list only keeps growing the more we look around:

• Cold water on a hot day
• The top of an ice cream tub before someone takes a scoop out
• A smile on someone’s face
• The sound of laughter
• The smell of new books
• The smell after it rains
• The feeling of flying on a swing
• Soft animals
• The possibility of discovering a new song that speaks to you
• Soft fur on a cat
• Sunsets and sunrises
• Hugs
• How satisfying some dates look on paper (eg. 20/02/2020)
• The possibility of a blank notebook
• The click that headphones make when you put them into the jack
• Frozen mango
• Christmas lights
• The satisfaction of knowing you bought someone the right gift
• You didn’t finish watching that show
• There are so many places you haven’t been to yet
• There are so many people you haven’t met yet. Some of them are going to love you and support you and become wonderful friends
• Daisies close up at night and go to sleep
• The shape of trees
• The colour of the sky
• The feeling of dipping your toes into the sea
• Making snow angels
• Laughing uncontrollably until your stomach hurts
• You’ve made it through every worst day of your life so far; you can make it through this one too
• Melted chocolate
• There was a time, no matter how long ago, that you were genuinely happy and hopeful, and therefore there will be a time in the future
• There are people who want to help you and so many different ways to try to help
• Your dreams may feel impossible, but if you aren’t around, you’ll never know. Maybe you’ll find an even better thing on the way – you can find out
• Someone loves you. Your pain only transfers to them
• You haven’t performed on a west end stage
• The feeling of being clean after a shower
• When you smell something or see something and it transports you back into a good memory
• Making snow angels. Or grass angels when snow isn’t available
• Your friends and family; their love
• Crunching leaves under your feet
• You haven’t seen all of Shakespeare’s plays
• You haven’t read all of Audre Lorde’s poetry
• There are actually a lot of books you haven’t read and some of them are going to have some wisdom in them that you want, and some of them will make you laugh
• Dancing in the rain
• Late night adventures
• That cozy feeling when it’s cold out but you’re all tucked up inside
• Your struggles will make you uniquely able to help someone else one day, and it is possible to grow stronger and more compassionate from them. You deserve to see that day and be there for others
• Charity store shopping
• To prove anyone who doubted you wrong
• To give love into the world
• Late night drives
• Spontaneous plans
• Learning new things
• You make a difference. You are important. Think about it logically – six degrees of separation means your life really does have a big impact
• Cherry blossom
• Flowers in spring
• Libraries
• The theatre curtain coming up
• Finding a monologue that encapsulates what you are feeling
• Crazy dreams you can’t quite remember after waking up but you know where really special
• So one day you can look back and say to yourself how incredible it is that you survived and are still here.

This list only begins to scratch the surface. Please add your own and share. You are never, ever alone. 

Suicide hotlines: 

• England: 116123
• America: 1-800-273-8255
• Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal) 
• India: 8888817666
• Mexico: 5255102550
• Philippines: 028969191
• Malaysia: +603-79568145
• South Korea: 1577-0199

As far as I know these numbers are up to date. If you are not in one of these countries, a quick google search will bring up appropriate resources. You can get through this!