Tag: Mental Health

Posted in Advocacy, Happy Notes, Mental Health, Personal Growth

OHN Hopes for 2023 (and beyond!)

Posted on by Millie :)

I struggle with the idea of New Year’s resolutions. After all, New Year’s Day is simply just another day. The sun will continue to rise and there will always be new tomorrows; new opportunities for change and growth – in fact it happens every day. However I do realise that years are markers of points in our lives and our developments, so I wanted to share some hopes and aims for this space in the coming year and beyond! In the interest of transparency, I don’t have a clear plan on how to achieve everything on this list. But I’m working on it. Just like I’m working on learning more and listening to more voices on mental health and its intersections every day. My hopes will change, my perspectives will change. And I am so glad to have all of you along for the ride. 

Thank you all so much for your support of this space and mental health advocacy in 2022. 

If you would like to be more directly involved with Our Happy Notes – whether on the blog, instagram, or something else! – please do reach out. I would love to hear from you! You can fill out the contact form on this website or email ourhappynotes@gmail.com 

So without further ado, here are the hopes for Our Happy Notes in 2023:

1. More tangible actions 

2. More pressures on governments and organisations 

3. Consistent blog posting

4. Regularly get back to how it started – distributing happy notes!

5. Create connections

Posted in Advocacy, Mental Health

Actions to Support Mental Health Nationwide

Posted on by Millie :)

Here are some tangible actions you can take to support mental health in your community and nationwide, but there are so many more! Follow this blog to get notified of new posts and ideas in the future.  

Write to your MP

Imagine if everyone in the U.K. wrote to their MP in the morning demanding more mental health support. While it’s unlikely that will happen, small actions over time DO add up – it’s worth a shot. When writing to your MP make sure to mention mental health system reform, not just more funding. Writing and protesting other issues such as the cost of living crisis also supports mental health, as it is not a stand alone issue! 

Join the Young Voice Network at Mind

If you are aged 11-24 in the U.K. join this network! They constantly send through information and opportunities for young people to get involved and shape the direction of Mind and the mental health support for young people in a meaningful way. 

Protest

If you’re able to – protest. We don’t hear a lot about protests for mental health system change and support. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. CPA in London held several last year for example. And the protests and shows of solidarity for other issues such as Black Lives Matter and fair pay are all interlinked with mental health support too of course! If you want you could even set up your own protest or vigil. 

Promote mental health support at your school or work

Mental health support starts at an everyday level, and we can build communities of support. Have a look at the support available at your work or school, even your local community, and join meetings, boards, unions etc to demand better mental health support be available to fill the gaps. Suggest support groups in community centres, accommodations and counselling available at work – the sky’s the limit, and you are not powerless. Of course do not risk your own security to do this, but often a gentle conversation can be enough to plant the seed and get the ball rolling. 

Reach out to friends

Simply reaching out, offering a listening ear, and being non judgemental can make such a huge difference. If someone has been isolated for a while, welcome them back without criticism. Send a letter or a funny picture that reminded you of them. Just reach out. 

Educate yourself

Educate yourself on the intersectionality of mental health and the issues in our mental health systems today. Have a look at new ways of looking at mental illness and support. And always approach with an open mind. I would recommend always making sure you are listening to survivor stories too, not just psychiatrists or professionals. Because people living with mental illness are the expert on what it’s actually like to live with a mental illness. Being better educated can empower you to make changes in your life and community and to raise your voice. I’ll be posting more resources on this soon. 

Drop off some goodies at an inpatient ward

Being in inpatient mental health treatment can be a terrifying, traumatising, and lonely experience. Drop off some cookies and notes of encouragement if you can (nothing that poses a ligature or safety risk). Letting the people inside know they are not alone and that there is a world out here rooting for them with love is so so so important. 

Talk about it

Talk about mental health with your family and friends. Talk about how you are feeling, talk about the stigma, talk using the terms you are learning. And talk about the system and what you think of it. All change starts with a conversation. 

I know how hard it is to know where to start making a change when it comes to mental health. It can feel like we’re not allowed to question the narrative or talk about certain things. But there are actions that can be taken on a personal level and beyond. 

This is only part 1 – follow for more!

Posted in Managing Mental Health, Mental Health, Personal Growth, therapy

Types of Therapy

Posted on by Millie :)

Let’s start today’s post by busting some myths about therapy – scroll down to find out more about all the different kinds of therapy out there! (Spoiler alert – there’s lots of them!)

Myth: Therapy is only for people with a mental illness

Truth: While therapy can definitely help people facing mental illness, it can also be really helpful for anyone by providing a space to express and explore emotions and situations 

Myth: There is only one kind of therapy 

Truth: There are lots of different kinds of therapy that address different experiences, work better for different people, and approach therapy from a different angle. If you haven’t found what’s right for you yet, it doesn’t mean it isn’t out there! 

Myth: Therapy is only in person 

Truth: Some therapists provide online or telephone support instead or in addition to in person therapy! 

Myth: All therapists are the same, it doesn’t matter who the therapist is

Truth: The individual therapist and your relationship with them is extremely important and can vary hugely – it took me a long time to find the right person for me 

Myth: Going to therapy is something you should hide 

Truth: there’s nothing shameful about going to therapy 

Myth: Therapy is accessible to everyone 

Truth: Currently therapy is not equally accessible to everyone, and this needs to change. It can depend on location, financial situation and identity (for example) as to how accessible it is. However the NHS, charities, insurances and local initiatives do offer certain kinds of therapy and support so it’s definitely worth looking into what’s available to you! 

Now here’s an introduction to the kinds of therapy available. If one sounds appealing to you, or like it would be a good fit for you or a loved one, I would encourage you to do some more research on it and have a look to see who is available to deliver that kind of therapy in your area. 

CBT 

CBT stands for cognitive behavioural therapy and is one of the most popular/ available therapies out there – for example the IAPT services in England (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) only offer CBT. It’s based on the idea that thoughts, emotions and physical sensations are linked and that negative thoughts lead to negative cycles. It centres around  learning to break these thought patterns in practical ways, so is therefore more focused on changing the way you’re feeling in the present or with behaviours in a particular situation rather than a deep dive into past experiences, for example. 

Many people find CBT to be of great help, but for some people it just doesn’t click. If you are neurodivergent and thinking of trying CBT I would definitely recommend trying to find a neuro-inclusive CBT service, as from personal experience the typical delivery of CBT is much more focused on a neurotypical thought pattern – however that is only my opinion! 

The great thing about CBT’s popularity is that the structured skills it provides to deal with thought patterns, along with its basic concepts are now widely available for free. So if therapy isn’t viable/ comfortable for you at the moment then you can still learn some skills to implement. My personal favourite app to learn CBT skills is called Woebot. It’s laid out in an easy to explore and pleasing format, and you learn the skills from a cute little robot therapist. Definitely worth a look if you’re thinking of learning some more about CBT. 

DBT

This next acronym stands for dialectical behaviour therapy. It’s based on CBT, but it’s specially adapted for people who feel emotions very intensely. Personally I liked this therapy more than DBT not because I am someone who experiences intense emotions (which I definitely am) but because of the way it was structured. It just made more sense to me personally. 

DBT is often used to treat personality disorders and was originally developed for borderline personality disorder (a somewhat controversial condition), and has had success helping mood disorders, self harm, and suicidal ideation. It works in a way like CBT to break negative cycles and make positive changes, but also focuses on accepting who you are at the same time. A DBT therapy programme can be more intensive and involve group sessions also, however individual therapists using DBT skills can also be found. 

Counselling

Counselling is often seen as less ‘deep’ than therapy, but this isn’t necessarily the case. For some people (me included) the idea of counselling – talking with a therapist about an issue or your ongoing life, rather than focusing on specific structured skills  – is really beneficial. With this kind of support though I think it’s perhaps even more important that you are comfortable talking to the counsellor, particularly if it is longer term, as your relationship with them is central to the strength of the conversations. 

Many people also see counselling as a more short term therapy, but to me this is counterintuitive. Finding a therapist to build a long term, ongoing conversation with gives us a space to express our feelings about our daily lives and mitigate problems before they arise. Unfortunately ongoing therapy is rarely available through the NHS currently, but I hope to see that change soon! 

Many therapists will be able to provide either counselling or more focused therapy, so it’s worth asking for a mixture of sessions/ approaches if you think that might work for you. 

EMDR

EMDR stands for eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing. It is designed to help alleviate and process the distress caused by past traumatic memories and experiences, and is quite different from the other therapies mentioned already. During the therapy the patient will briefly revisit the traumatic memory in a sequential (and guided) way whilst also focusing on external stimuli. This external stimuli is often the therapist directing the patients eye movements laterally, but could also include other variations such as hand tapping and audio input. It’s thought that this allows accessing the traumatic memory network in a way that kickstarts further processing and new positive associations. It allows for total processing, relearning, better present memories and more by activating your natural healing process and removing blocks. The process is highly structured and includes evaluation for readiness for EMDR, exploration and explanation of current symptoms, and making sure you have several tools to handle emotional stress. EMDR was initially designed to help patients with PTSD, many from army settings, but is now helpful for a variety of people with different symptoms and experiences. If this sounds like it could be helpful for you I would definitely recommend researching this incredible form of therapy further!

Psychodynamic Therapy 

This kind of therapy is derived from psychoanalysis and the theories of Freud. It focuses on helping you understand how your current feelings and behaviour are shaped by your past experiences, along with your unconscious mind and impulses. It could be said that this kind of therapy focuses more on interpretation and the perspective of the client than a singular ‘problem’ like in CBT. Like all therapy the relationship with the therapist is very important, but this is one of the therapies where it is even more pronounced as it may involve discussing childhood memories, relationship with parents, etc. Psychodynamic therapy may even be what comes to mind when you first think of therapy! It’s less structured than DBT or EMDR for example, and many therapists will allow for free association in sessions (discussing whatever comes to mind). Some therapists may also combine this approach with others, so it’s worth having a look at what’s offered. 

Interpersonal Therapy

As the name might suggest, interpersonal therapy focuses on a patient’s relationships with those around them. It looks to improve relationships in their life to alleviate symptoms, because a central idea in interpersonal therapy is that psychological problems can be understood as a response to current everyday difficulties in relationships with other people. It is structured; time limited; focuses on the present; aims to improve interpersonal communication, functioning, and social support. If you are struggling with interpersonal relationships in general or specifically with family (for example) and you feel this is causing difficulties, then interpersonal therapy might be a good idea to help!

Gestalt Therapy 

This is another kind of therapy that focuses on a client’s present life rather than past experiences, so will be more effective or relevant to some than others. It also revolves around taking responsibility rather than placing blame. Like psychodynamic therapy it involves the idea of perception – exploring how a person understands the world around them, and the context of their whole life. It operates on a basis that rather than purposefully digging up past experiences, as a client becomes more self aware they will start to overcome existing blocks. It is a less structured form of therapy. 

Art/ Drama/ Music/ Animal Therapy 

Ok I’ve lumped these all together because they essentially include a common theme of using a creative medium or a way of connection to work through difficulties. Art therapy involves expressing emotions and ideas through art for example, and animal therapy involves spending time around animals which can be very calming and help with empathy etc. Different therapists using another medium in therapy may have different approaches. For some it may just be about letting the patient self-direct and spend time engaging with music, animals etc. Others may still use structured approaches or conversational exploration in conjunction with mediums as an extra tool for expression, learning, or helping a client relax so that therapy is more accessible. Talking to a therapist to ask about their individual approach before starting is a good idea. 

There are even more types of therapy than the ones mentioned above, and many things to think about when choosing a therapist or kind of therapy. Unfortunately therapy, or different kinds of therapy, are also not equally available. If you can please consider donating to local funds to support others on their healing journey, and write to your MP to demand change in the system. If you found this post informative or helpful please also follow this blog to support any work and get notified of future posts. Let me know if you have any questions in the comments below

Have a great day!

Sources: 

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/overview/

Sedated: How modern capitalism created our mental health crisis, by James Davies 

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/dialectical-behaviour-therapy-dbt/

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/types-of-talking-therapies/

https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/types-of-therapy/eye-movement-desensitisation-and-reprocessing-emdr/

https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/types-of-therapy/psychodynamic-therapy/

https://positivepsychology.com/psychodynamic-therapy/

https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-illness-and-addiction-index/interpersonal-psychotherapyhttps://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-gestalt-therapy-4584583#:~:text=Gestalt%20therapy%20is%20a%20form,considering%20the%20challenges%20they%20face.

Posted in Managing Mental Health, Mental Health, positivity

5 Books on My Mental Health Journey

Posted on by Millie :)

I’ve always loved reading, so today I wanted to share with you 5 books that have been incredibly important to me in my mental health journey as a teenager dealing with mental illness. Let me know what books have been impactful in your journey in the comments below – I would love to hear about them!

  1. The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher 

This book isn’t actually specific to mental illness, but it introduced me to Carrie Fisher – an incredible Bipolar disorder and addiction advocate – and that changed my life. 

When I found this book I felt very alone and unseen, but reading this was like seeing my brain laid out on a page. Someone else thought like I did, felt like I did. I’ve gone on to read all of her other books which range from entertaining to informative. And they are all hilarious. Carrie Fisher’s ability to turn a phrase is totally unique and unrivalled. 

  1. Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain by Portia de Rossi 

When I finally realised I had problems with food and restriction, I was struggling to wrap my head around it. This book helped me understand the severity of what was going on, and again made me feel less alone. It also helped me to understand the way I thought about food was not normal or healthy and how much it was hurting me, because I got to see it from an outside perspective.

I will warn that the details in this book are potentially very triggering and not necessarily helpful to those grappling with disordered eating, so a warning there if you are considering reading it. 

  1. Sedated: How Modern Capitalism Created Our Mental Health Crisis by James Davies 

This book was important to me as I started to be a bit more sceptical and analytical of the major narrative on mental health and the mental health system. I’ve had my fair share of unhelpful and downright damaging interactions with the psychiatric complex, and I started to question how we view, understand, and categorise mental distress, but it’s hard to find any research or information out there that even slightly criticises the accepted narrative. This book not only verbalised new ways to consider these issues but also provided evidence and further studies to explore. Of course, I don’t blindly accept everything in this book either – that would be counterproductive. But it was a huge relief to discover it and really helped me form a foundation for reimagining how we consider mental health and mental health systems within the wider social context of a capitalistic society. 

  1. 4.48 Psychosis by Sarah Kane 

This is actually a play not a book but I’ve only ever read the full script, not seen it performed, though my class did perform extracts as part of coursework, which was another interesting experience. 

In late February/ March 2020 I was experiencing my first mixed episode and it was truly overwhelming and terrifying. Sitting at my teacher’s desk in the drama studio I was scribbling something resembling poetry across several sheets of paper and one of my drama teachers caught a glimpse. They had been doing a truly incredible job of looking after me (something way above their pay grade) but I think by this point they were at a loss for what to do or how to help me process what was happening to me. 

However, upon seeing what I was writing this teacher remarked how it reminded her of Sarah Kane’s work. My teachers had a debate over whether to show me the play or not – after all it’s true it could have definitely triggered me further – but without much else to do, they gave it to me and told me to read it and come up with ideas of how it might be staged (a tactic that provided me a task to complete which was very helpful). 

I read the play and it was the first time in days that I felt anything close to calm or focused. The disorganised, brutal admissions of a mentally ill mind came to life around me and made perfect sense while the world around me seemed to make less and less sense. 

It made me feel seen in ways I had never experienced before, and also helped me realise that creativity doesn’t have to be neat nor does it have to conform to people’s sensibilities. My expression is mine alone and it can be as raw as I choose. 

I will say please use discretion if you’re going to read this and perhaps have someone on stand-by in case it affects you because it is very raw and cuts to the point of pain in a way I don’t think many of us are used to. Also I’d provide a trigger warning for pretty much everything for this one, but especially for self harm, psychiatric trauma, and suicide. 

  1. People, Places, and Things by Duncan Macmillan

Again, this is not actually a book but a play (can you tell theatre is my passion yet?) and I’ve never seen it performed. Emma – the leading lady – is my absolute dream role. 

This is basically a play about a woman’s journey through rehab and addiction into recovery, and I discovered it while still in active addiction but while I was still in denial. I related so much to her and her words; it helped me come to terms with my own addiction. And it gave me hope for recovery. 

Like 4.48 Psychosis some of the lines feel so deeply true it was almost jarring. And the innovation of the structure along with how it could be staged filled me with ideas and excitement for theatre all over again.

Posted in Advocacy, Mental Health

‘Bedlam’s’ True Horror History

Posted on by Millie :)

Today’s post is the first that looks into the history of psychiatry and ‘treatments’ for the insane, mad, mentally ill and neurodivergent, through a brief overview of the history of Bethlem. I think it’s important to share and learn about this history because it helps us to better understand the foundations and influences on psychiatry nowadays, and therefore understand the problems and potential solutions within the mental health system, including abolitionist approaches. I hope you find this little guide to be informing, let me know if you have any questions in the comments! Just a quick trigger warning for psychiatric violence and restraints.

Bethlem Royal Hospital was one of the first lunatic asylums. It’s horrifying history has inspired lots of books, movies and TV shows, most notably Bedlam.

So the real life horror in its history should be evident, otherwise why would it inspire such horror stories? Yet often we don’t stop to wonder about such histories that informed modern day psychiatry. It’s important to learn about this stuff because the legacies can still be seen nowadays in abusive, neglectful, and ineffective systems.

Bethlem was originally founded in 1247, and was linked to the Church of Bethlehem. It’s foundations are muddied and muddled – it was first used to house alms and poor people with religious ties and with the aim to make money. This monetary trend is also something we still see nowadays in many areas of life, including in the mental health system and coupled pharmaceutical industry.

It’s not known exactly when Bethlem was first used for the insane but is frequently assumed that this was from 1377. Management was through ‘keeperships’, with essentially sole control. Jumping ahead a bit, during Sleford’s keepership at the hospital (1579-1598) the buildings fell into disrepair – ‘so loathsomly filthely kept not fit for any man to come into the house’

However, living conditions didn’t exactly improve. Into the 19th century many inmates were left to sleep on straw beds and only permitted to go the toilet in their cells. Simultaneously financial exploitation by head physicians was common from the 17th century onwards – they were getting rich while the people inside suffered. In fact, in the 17th century several patients were found to be suffering from starvation, and staff practices were found to be a significant contributing factor to this. Staff practices are often a main complaint by inpatients today as well – but they are far too frequently brushed aside; once you’ve been labelled as unstable it’s incredibly difficult to reclaim your power and have your concerns legitimised.

While it appears restraints and solitary confinement were used for the insane at Bethlem from the start (and still today!), not a lot is known about so-called ‘treatment’ in the medieval period. However from 1460 the transition to a specialist institution for the insane was mostly complete and more is known from then on. In the 1680s cold baths were introduced as a form of treatment, as were incredibly hot baths later. Patients were bled, blistered, then dosed with emetics (make you vomit) and laxatives indiscriminately during the 18th century.

Perhaps one of the most disturbing parts of Bethlem’s history is that from the 17th century onwards visitors could pay to come and gawk at patients like animals in a zoo. Can you imagine the shame and anxiety of having your distress put on show as amusement for others? How could anyone possibly heal in that environment? We can infer from this a part of the pattern of control and benefit from locking mad people away rather than a genuine care for them as individuals and a desire for them to heal.

There was even an ‘Incurables Division’ added 1725-1738; patients in here could never hope to leave. One approach was rotational therapy: a patient was put in a chair suspended from a ceiling and spun at sometimes more than 100 rotations a minute

Experimental (read: unsafe) treatments were also used on patients at Bethlem. Furthermore modern investigations have uncovered mass graves on the property, dug exclusively for those who died under care at Bethlem.

This barely scratches the surface of Bethlem’s horrifying history of abuse and exploitation. The hospital is still in use today and many patients are still voicing their pain and trauma from their time there – restraints are still used, as are forced medication, and mad voices are not respected. There’s even a museum of patient’s artwork there, and while some exalt this as them respecting the patient’s expression, I have to wonder to what degree is it a modern day version of gawking st misunderstood minds?

We may have come a long way, but there’s still a lot further needed to travel.

Sources:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/bedlam-the-horrors-of-lon_b_9499118/amp

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bethlem_Royal_Hospital

Porter 2006, Whittaker 1947 

Porter 1997 

Andrews et al, 1997 

‘A view of Bethalem’ 4th December 1598, quoted in Allderidge 1979

Posted in Advocacy, Managing Mental Health, Mental Health, Personal Growth

Journey Through Panic Attacks

Posted on by Millie :)

The first time I experienced a panic attack I was 11 years old. I had come home early from school that day with a headache and some other physical symptoms I now know were anxiety, and I had gone upstairs to have a nap before dinner. My mum came to wake me up when it was time to eat, but I must have been in the wrong phase of my sleep cycle because I awoke disoriented, thinking it was the morning. We’ve all been there when we wake up not quite sure what’s going on. So I thought it was the morning, and when my mum told me it was time to eat I responded asking about breakfast. There was some confused back and forth with my mum trying to convince me it was in fact dinner time, and still the day before, and I suddenly spiralled into my first panic attack. I don’t remember a whole lot of the details while it was happening, but I do remember how terrifying it was. I remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe; I simply could not get the air into my lungs. I felt faint, and sick, I thought my legs couldn’t hold me up. I don’t know if I had the thought that can come alongside panic attacks where you think you’re going to die, but I knew something was very, very wrong; I definitely thought I was going to faint. Somehow I ended up at the bottom of the stairs, gasping for air and sipping water out of a bottle cap (I think that was the only way I could manage to do it?) as it subsided, and I can still recall the exhaustion after that first one and how foreign it felt. My mum suggested it had been a panic attack, and at that point I didn’t know what that meant. I had no idea they would become such a huge part of my life. 

I have had many panic attacks since this day. I’ve also had some anxiety attacks, which are more prolonged and less intense, and I experience sensory overload too as an autistic young person. Sometimes sensory overload meltdowns and panic attacks can be hard for me to distinguish, and sometimes they overlap or morph into the other, but it’s helpful sometimes to figure out which is which as it can aid in the recovery process both long and short term – for example in a panic attack changing my jumper probably isn’t going to help and may not even be a possibility, but with sensory overload changing the material of my clothing or my environment may help it to subside or avoid it altogether when I feel it building. This year I have felt the strongest mentally overall that I have in a very long time, but I still have panic attacks. Some months I have none; others I have many. For example in May I had seven.

 It’s important to note that while I find the label panic attacks useful, it is a pathologised word. That means there is a certain medical connotation attached to it. However panic attacks are a total overload of our nervous systems; an explosion of tension and anxiety. We cannot talk about expressions of mental distress without recognising that they are often responses to a traumatic and stressful world, whether immediate results of a specific trigger or a build up over time. For example in May I was dealing with exam stress, difficult atmospheres at home, grief for my safe place, and more time on my hands. These all contributed to my spike in panic attacks I have no doubt. Other times I may make it to the other side of a stressful event and then experience panic attacks, almost like a hangover of emotions. It’s not an individual failure, but an understandable reaction to a difficult world. You are not broken for experiencing anxiety. You are not shameful for having panic attacks. 

I am a firm believer that to appreciate life fully we need to be able to laugh, even at the bad stuff. There are certain events surrounding some of my panic attacks that I find kind of hilarious looking back on and that helps me to deal with any embarrassment or regret surrounding them I may have. For example, I have terrible stage fright (despite being an actress, ironic I know). Before the final dress rehearsal for Bugsy Malone – my first show in a proper theatre – I had a panic attack in the wings. I was crouched behind a prop box in heels I could barely walk in and my tailored sparkly dress writhing my legs in pain and sobbing without air. It was a pretty desperate moment, though the juxtaposition itself is amusing looking back. The next thing I remember is a stagehand saying into their walkie talkie ‘can someone please come and remove the fire hazard from the wings?’. I was the fire hazard because I couldn’t move myself out of the way, and I was carried back to my dressing room by my director. Talk about a diva moment. Looking back I cannot help but laugh at the absurdity of the experience. 

That particular panic attack also showed me how loving people can be. I hope that someday everyone experiencing mental health issues gets to experience the pure love and support that I did that day. I had to go on stage just after recovering to do a mic check. I was so exhausted – my bones were heavy; the exhaustion of a panic attack travels to your core and can make you feel like your body isn’t your own – so all I could do was stand centre stage. The rest of the cast sat in the audience as I weakly sang ‘My Name is Tallulah’. Half way through the song I raised my eyes and saw that they were all swaying along, waving their hands in the air; at the end of the song they stood up and cheered and called out encouragement. It was beautiful. No one judged, no one whispered or pointed. They rallied and supported me. That’s what we all deserve. 

Another amusing panic memory was when I fell on my face in the mud on a rainy day trying to escape prying eyes and instead drawing them all to me; again, it wasn’t as embarrassing or well remembered as I feared it would be. Or when my teacher gave me their scarf to wrap around me and help me feel safer and I immediately snotted into it – I got to keep that for a while rather than immediately returning it. Or the time I went to get help while having a panic attack but there was already a girl in the office having a panic attack and it became like a queue for a very strange and unwanted product.

 I’ve been alone on bathroom floors, writhed my legs, hit my chest, backed myself into literal corners to try and feel a bit safer, thought I was going to die, taken off most of my clothes because I thought my skin was going to burn, and just general cried and made weird sounds while trying to breathe. Point of all of this is – I survived. And each one has become a little easier to recover from. The worst a panic attack will do is make you pass out; it cannot kill you. Remember that – it cannot kill you. If you are having one, it is horrible and tiring and painful, but you are safe. And if you are with someone experiencing one it’s ok to remind them of that; if you can recognise what it is and call it what it is. Tell them it’s a panic attack and that they are safe. Often it helps not to try and suppress it either but rather to ride it out, let it be. Because they are not the end of the world, but they are super scary and it’s ok to recognise that too. 

I hope that maybe reading this has helped someone feel a little less alone in their experience. If you’d like a more in depth guide on how I deal with my panic attacks let me know in the comments below! Sending love and support to you all today! Xx

Posted in Advocacy, Mental Health

Over Pathologisation of Mental Health

Posted on by Millie :)

We hear a lot nowadays about removing the stigma from mental illness, and that is incredibly important. After all, we all have mental health. But I also I think it’s essential while advocating in mental health spaces that we not only call for destigmatisation, but we also question the systems; call out the injustices of the systems meant to care for us. We must question whether medicalisation of mental health really helps us. Would it be necessary if our society wasn’t structured the way it is in the west? Does it further the link between mental illness and criminalisation? Because destigmatising mental distress isn’t only recognising that it exists, it’s asking why it exists, is the language we use to describe mental illness helpful, what does healing really mean, and how are we failing to learn the lessons from our madness? So here are some of my musings on the over pathologisation of mental health:

It individualises our pain without individualising our care – that is to say it tells us we are broken, it is our individual chemistry that is flawed, and we are to blame, yet also not putting us at the forefront of understanding our pain and choosing how we heal. It tells us we are too sick to know what’s really good for us, or that we don’t know ourselves well enough. It doesn’t allow us to learn who we are and what’s really at the root of our pain; doesn’t encourage us to put it into a sociopolitical context, and the context of what has informed our life. Doesn’t allow us to heal with others.

There is no community. No value given to peer support, to healing with others who are experiencing the same things or similar things or completely different things, but feel safe to heal with. Doesn’t encourage the connections that are vital to long term healing and alternative methods of care. If you want proof that peer support methods of healing work, look at AA – it revolutionised care for alcoholics. What was a death sentence became an opportunity for hope and healing.

Our pain is shunned and labelled, pathologised. Instead of learning to embrace the madness as part of who we are, we learn shame which in turn births more pain. Instead of learning to see mental distress as a natural human reaction, however difficult, we learn to be afraid of it. Language that could be used to free us is instead weaponised against us to strip us of our wholeness and our identity through clinical rotes.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. I don’t have all the answers. I listen to psychiatric abolitionists and I think, yeah, they have the answer. I listen to amazing healers in other cultures outside of the west and am filled with inspiration and hope. Then I look back at the world as it is and wonder if we don’t need to adapt our goals to be a little more realistic within the current frame of society here in the UK. I don’t have the answer nor a clear label for my ideology surrounding this all. But I do have hope. And I do know things are already changing. 

We don’t have to wait to build communities. We don’t have to wait to create new ways of healing. We don’t have to wait to find hope. 

You can also find a version of this post on my Instagram @our.happy.notes

Posted in Managing Mental Health, Mental Health, positivity

Identity in Mental Illness

Posted on by Millie :)

As an autistic person with mental illnesses sometimes it can be hard to figure out who I am.

If you have diagnoses you might feel like you have to split up parts of yourself and your actions into boxes, like this part of you is autism and that part of you is anxiety, for example.

Or you might feel like your whole identity is your diagnoses.

Even without a diagnosis you might feel like parts of you are defined by the way you feel, split up and separate.

This can make us feel like we have to be ashamed of these parts of ourselves or like we are not really whole. It can be confusing to know who we are and find our identity in the midst of it all.

Then you add in other identity factors like sexuality, gender, and race which in many cases can complicate our mental health and understanding of ourselves even further – especially because it impacts how others see us, and this is even more prevalent for minority identities.

Rather than trying to see ourselves as a selection of different parts and separate ourselves into these parts, maybe we can start to think of it more like colours blended together and filters on the image of who we are.

Like my anxiety is red and it bleeds into my passion for theatre which is blue. They mix to create a purple in the middle, and that’s where stage fright lives. But all the colours are a part of me, blending together to make me who I am.

And my autism is a filter with a yellow tinge and that does affect how I view and interact with the whole world, but it isn’t my whole identity, nor is it separate to every other part of me. They all work together in different ways to make me who I am.

At the end of the day, you don’t have to have everything figured out about your life and who you are. No one does. It’s a journey and an ongoing process which can be really scary to think about. But it’s actually pretty amazing, all these colours that make up the rainbow of you, changing and growing each day. Remember – no one but you gets to define who you are; your identity is personal and you don’t owe it to anyone else, nor do you need to define who you are! 

But you are wonderfully unique, allowed to take up space, and your rainbow is so much more than you could ever imagine.

Posted in Advocacy, autism, Mental Health

Diagnosis – Good, Bad, or Dependant on the System?

Posted on by Millie :)

Validation:

It can be very hard to access treatments and be validated by ‘professionals‘ within this system without a diagnosis. Budget issues and a mental health system based in oppression that seeks to produce productivity rather than healing and often doesn’t recognise its intrinsic links to all other aspects of capitalist society doesn’t help this. However, more importantly, without a diagnosis it can be hard to validate ourselves – to give ourselves permission to display certain symptoms, feel what we feel, and believe that it’s real.

Getting a diagnosis can be a validating and liberating experience for many people – my autism diagnosis certainly was for me. It helped me understand myself, put my entire life into context, and connect with other people going through similar experiences. That was incredibly useful with all my diagnoses – finding people going through the same thing and learning how they were managing in a world often not built for us which helped me find ways to define and facilitate my own healing. Community truly is a powerful force. It teaches us that we are not alone, and is one of the most invigorating tools in supporting mental health; my diagnoses are helping me find mine.

But we must ask the question – why do we lack validation without a diagnosis? Why have we not been taught validation and community by the systems surrounding us? If human experience was universally understood as fluid and acceptable, would we need diagnoses at all?

Stigma and Stereotyping:

However, diagnoses have also been used as oppressive tools throughout history, and being given a diagnosis can be a terrifying experience. For example women could be put into mental institutions if their husbands thought they weren’t living up to their duties and this was justified under the label of hysteria. Nowadays Black women are significantly more likely to be diagnosed with BPD – this may be a misdiagnosis of a neurodivergency (chronically under recognised in Black people) or due to how their traits and emotions are perceived so different within the system. Black people are also four times more likely to be detained under the Mental Health Act in the Uk – a hugely oppressive tool that twins criminal incarceration.

It may feel like a condemnation to receive a diagnosis due to preconceived notions of stigmatised mental illnesses, and lack of care options. Sometimes it can seem like a lifetime of suffering and inevitable failures lie ahead. It may even be harder to be taken seriously within the system – especially in psychiatry wards where any legitimate complaints can be brushed off as ‘symptoms’. Telling family and friends may elicit negative reactions due to their preconceived ideas, regardless of how positive the experience was for the individual

Stuck in a Box:

Although it can be liberating to understand your behaviour through the lens of a diagnoses, it can also be challenging when dealing with others and interpreting your own experience. It can be difficult to know where you start and where the illness ends, or to what extent you should view yourself as your illness. It can be difficult to know whether an emotional reaction is ‘natural’ or a symptom or a potential warning for future issues. It can be difficult to be heard and seen as anything but your diagnosis and your experiences as anything separate or unrelated to it by others.

Diagnosing a mental illness is not straight forward. No one person presents the same, and often two psychiatrists will have completely different opinions leading to misdiagnosis/ confusion for the individual trying to grapple with many opinions and find understanding.

And yet once given a diagnosis we are often stuck in a box or a more rigid understanding of who we are and how me must think and will behave. Does that seem logical? It doesn’t to me. But it’s understandable within a system that looks for easy processing, and profit – both achieved through the over medicalisation of human distress. 

When the DSM was first released in 1952 there were 102 diagnoses in it. By 2000 there were 365. This has since reduced again – but you can see how inexact and dramatic the medicalisation has been.

Nonetheless, getting a diagnosis, finding community and comfort it in, can be a very positive experience. My autism diagnosis certainly was for me, and being able to say I’m bipolar helps me feel whole and proud of everything I’ve been through. But getting those diagnoses, navigating conversations, therapy, and life with them has been challenging and complicated. And I am privileged in many ways. Bottom line – receiving a diagnosis is not something to be afraid of, and if your experience was good then that is amazing, and valid! But negative experiences are just as valid too. Perhaps even more so because they often fall on the more marginalised. And everyone’s emotions, pain, and trauma are valid with or without a label. We deserve a society that teaches us that.

Sources

  • Sedated: How modern capitalism created our mental health crisis by James Davies
  • verywellmind.com 
  • mind.org.uk
  • Phenomenology of Borderline Personality Disorder, The Role of Race and Socioeconomic Status, Natacha M. De Genna, PhD and Ulrike Feske, PhD
  • My brain
Posted in Happy Notes, Managing Mental Health, Mental Health, Personal Growth

An Anxious Experience

Posted on by Millie :)

Today’s post is a guest post written by Eya, a follower of Our Happy Notes on Instagram (their username: @the_dangerous_me). It was edited by Millie Bevan, founder of Our Happy Notes. If you would like to collaborate please email ourhappynotes@gmail.com or fill out the contact form on the website.

Anxiety can be a very physical experience where you can’t understand what’s happening to your body.  It’s hard to rationalise; it feels like your hormones have gone into overdrive. And really they have – being afraid or nervous is your body and brain’s way of telling you that there is danger nearby, so you may think at first that the feeling will pass, but anxiety means your brain sees danger everywhere. It doesn’t pass so easily. 

Anxiety is a silent killer. It kills your soul, it cuts you to pieces. Consider yourself as a game to anxiety because it makes you feel like a doll which it plays with. You can’t sleep at night and you constantly question what the people around you might be thinking, getting stuck in a loop with these thoughts going round and round in your head, replaying everything you’ve said and done. I have experienced anxiety since I was 13 years old when I started to lose sleep andi cried at night and i suffered. I felt so alone and it was a dark time in my life. I lost friends, became isolated, and soon started to experience depression as well. But there is  hope. I went to a therapist and day by day I felt better. Anxiety is not a topic to be taken lightly. It can make life so difficult. But you are not alone and you can look after your mental health. Eventually, with patience, it gets better.

There’s a lot of love out there and people that care. You can learn to love yourself again; know that there’s nothing that could stop you from your dreams and achievements. Nowadays I feel so much better, so I want to pass that hope onto you so you can enjoy everyday for yourself.