Posted in Mental Health, Personal Growth

Another Letter to My Mental Illnesses

A version of this letter spoken to camera can be found on my Instagram @our.happy.notes

Last night I dreamt of you. And it’s hazy, in the way that memories of dreams often are, but I remember the premise. You had disappeared. I had woken up one day and you had disappeared. And whenever anyone asked me what I wanted, at a restaurant or in life, all I could reply was that I wanted you. 

You see, I used to be so afraid of you. I’m not anymore. Not like I was. But sometimes I wonder if I’ve gone the other way, or a different way, and now I’m obsessed with you. Maybe you’re obsessed with me. Whatever it is I know you take up far too much of my time, and the dream – well it made me think perhaps we were due another conversation.

Here we go again, aye? You just couldn’t give it a rest, could you? I mean it’s partly my fault. Or our fault. No, my fault, or – well sometimes it’s hard to separate us out really. The things you say to me, have the nerve to say to me, they are something else. Living in my thoughts, daring to breathe the air that I do, rent free – well, not anymore. I will not allow those thoughts to become my emotions and my behaviours anymore. And now I sound like a therapy book! Spitting out these promises that really mean nothing without the actions you try so very hard to impair. Screw it, that’s a good thing. It means I’m learning. And the more I learn, my friend, the less power you have. You wouldn’t believe how much the thought of that thrills me. 

Now look, ok, look, I’ve wondered for a while now, been turning it over in my mind, so I’m just going to have to come out and say it – I wonder if secretly you’re on my side. Our side. Humanities side as a whole. And don’t, because I can feel you laughing at me, and I know you’re far too vain, devilish, frankly destructive to admit it, but hear me out. The best people I have ever met are the ones you have brushed against. The strongest, and most courageous people. The kindest. What’s more, the ways you alter our brains, force us to work to move beyond you, I’ve seen first hand how that can change the world – how it revolutionises through our daring to move outside of the box. And on those occasions, many occasions really, that you happen to take those wonderful people away (you lying bastard) – it shows the rest of what needs to be changed in the world. So maybe, just maybe, you’re not all that bad. Then again, maybe it’s just our fighting spirit, the one you highlight in us. Either way, I refuse to believe that your hopelessness breeds only more darkness – my dear I will transform you into light, like I already am, and I’ll marvel at that process every step of the way. 

Tried to tell me this one was a solution didn’t you. And god I want to kick myself sometimes for being so naïve, for not seeing your tricks earlier, because I know, I know, that’s the way you work. And yet I also know it’s not too late. It’s never too late. I see the beauty in you. And I really do enjoy annoying you by saying that. Let me thank you again for all your lessons, your opportunities to grow, and this time for your chaos. From that fire I fashion creativity, hope, and… so much more. In an almost paradoxical way, the part I appreciate most in myself is you. You make everything else worthwhile. You make every other bit of me stronger. I mean, I hate you, I loathe you, I battle with you every day, and let’s not fail to mention that I am exhausted, but I am not finished yet. 

Well I don’t really have much else to say today. I guess I just wanted to check in with you. I hope you’re struggling, like I do. That would mean we’re growing. Because this is the time. This is my time.

Posted in Mental Health, Personal Growth

Letter to My Mental Illnesses

Hello, 

There’s no need to introduce myself, we know each other well, don’t we? As such I know that you have a habit of finding new ways to creep into my life – you’re always going to be here I suspect, so I suppose it’s time I had a proper conversation with you. Embraced you. Accepted that you are, and always will be, a part of me. 

Well I’d rather not start with the negatives, so let me thank you. You have taught me strength in ways I could never have imagined just a few years ago. You tried to break me – hell, you still do – and yet my scars hold power as a consequence. So thank you for that. And thank you for teaching me kindness, empathy and wisdom. If it wasn’t for you I never would have known what to say to my friends in distress. I never could have overcome issues unrelated to you. If you’re going to stick around you might as well teach me some more of those lessons, because I appreciate them, I really do. And thank you for showing me how lost I was. Thank you for teaching me who I am. Do not mistake me, I am not you. You are a part of me yes, but in realising that I have seen some of the other parts of me that I failed to notice previously. Pretty amazing really. 

Now if you were a physical person I would probably beat bloody at this point. I would scream at you until my throat was raw. I would cry at you, how dare you try to take me away, how dare you try to take my friends, how dare try to cause my family such pain. I would shout at you for every opportunity you took away from me – I wanted to go on that trip. All those days I missed. I actually wanted to be able to go to lessons and focus. I wanted to be around my friends. I wanted to be able to be a stupid teenager for just one day without there being the constant reminder that at any moment I could be struck with the feeling that my heart might explode, or the knowledge that addiction is in my blood.

Yet note I speak in past tense. For in the end, whether you taught me, or I found ways to learn it through necessity to survive, I realised I didn’t really want those things. For every opportunity I missed, I was presented with something else that formed me. And the ones I didn’t miss were golden as a result. If I could let go in the ways I wished, I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t be able to see the world in the ways I do. 

Still, know this, if you were a person I saw you run at someone else – god forbid someone I love – I would not hesitate to put myself between you and them, for no one deserves that pain, and my dear we are not done fighting yet. 

Seriously though, you are just made of hopelessness and chaos. Some days I think, surely my mental illness must be exhausted because I sure am, but no, there you are again. So come at me. Come at me with everything you’ve got and watch me rise, because I have come too far to give in to you. I will take the creativity from mania and your chaos and I will make something beautiful. I will take the desperation of your darkness and the shaking mess from your anxiety and I will use it to cling to the others who are suffering to make sure we get through. To ensure that you never have such a grip over another person’s life. Come at me – I think you forget that you are a part of me. We have to find some way to live in harmony or we will destroy each other. Come at me old friend, and watch me grow.

Posted in Mental Health, Personal Growth

Affirmations for the future

Hey Happies!

Today is GCSE results day in the UK (when the results for the national tests that 16 year olds sit are released). For many teenagers it’s a deciding moment for their future, so here at Our Happy Notes I (Millicent – the founder) have compiled some reminders and steps to help students, or otherwise, try and face the future with a positive outlook:

It’s alright to feel daunted by the future and it’s uncertainties. If you are feeling like it’s impossible to go on then please reach out. An activity that I find really helpful is listing all the small things I enjoy or am looking forward to, and building from there – although it’s not a quick fix. Even in the darkest pits of despair and worry it is possible to find goodness in life; it doesn’t have to be much at first, but you do need to try and focus on it. For example, I enjoy the smell of rain much like I enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass. In the future I can look forward to experiencing these smells again. It’s small, but it’s something that makes me happy, and somehow by thinking about it the future seems a little less daunting and impossible because I have found a thing of comfort to focus upon. From there you can build.

No one gets to define you; you are enough just as you are. You are so much more than your grades or your job or your appearance, and you can empower yourself to make positive changes and adopt a different mindset, should you so wish. I have found writing a diary instrumental in forming my sense of identity by allowing me to reflect.

Change can take time, as can adapting to it. This may not be in itself a comforting thought, but it means we are provided with even greater opportunities for learning, development, and growth within this time.

— If you believe in yourself, so much more is possible. Not everything though – for example just because I believe I can fly does not mean I won’t be affected by gravity. Nonetheless, when we believe in ourselves I find that doors start opening for us. Or perhaps they were always open but we were blind to them? Of course belief on its own is not enough; there must also be a level of effort and planning, but at the very least it will make you happier in your own skin.

Not everyone’s journey is the same; you must do what is right for you. This means for your wellbeing, mental health and dreams. The future is yours to shape of it what you will.

We all move at different paces, what matters is that you are moving at all – or even thinking about it. Take one day at a time.

You are allowed to be unsure what you want to do. This doesn’t mean you can’t take steps to figuring it out: write a list of things you enjoy or want to try for a start, and if you can’t think of any then have a look online or in your local area for courses/skills you might like to give a go. From there you can work out what direction you might like to go on in the future – and remember: passion and research are your friends. In addition, having a sense of purpose while your figuring it out can often be really helpful and validating. You could try volunteering, writing a blog, working or even sharing some Happy Notes.

Just because you made a mistake or failed an exam does not make you a failure. Your future is still bright, you just have to find the light-switch.

— There is nothing shameful in reaching out for help in your journey – now or in the future. Guidance and support is invaluable.

You have the power to make a positive impact in the world.

These are just a few affirmations to get you thinking. If you have any ideas or questions don’t hesitate to put them in the comments below.

Go forth and spread joy! And remember – it’s ok if you can only help one person and it’s ok if that one person is you. It’s a start; that’s the hardest part.

Keep Smiling. X