Posted in Mental Health, Personal Growth

Letter To A Younger Me

Hey sweetie, 

I’m writing you this letter because you’ve been on my mind a lot lately. And the thing is, I know you won’t actually read it, you can’t, I can’t actually travel back and give it to you. So there’s no real point in me giving you advice; any advice I do write is, I suppose, more of a reminder for me now – born from the gifts you gave me just by keeping going. Yeah, this letter isn’t really for you. It’s for me now, or us now. To heal a little bit and reflect in a way that doesn’t consume us back to where you are. If that makes any sense? 

I want to comfort you. I want to hug you, hold you tight, and whisper ‘I’ve got you’. Which is something to remember when you feel like the worst person ever, because eventually we’re able to look back and show ourselves compassion. I know it hurts. And I know you feel really lonely, I know. 

I think I’m writing this to you at about age 13, maybe just turned 14. Right as all the mental health stuff really took off, and before you’d gone through enough of it to have any perspective on it. It was all new and you had no reason to think it wouldn’t last forever. But, hey, spoiler alert – it doesn’t last forever. I won’t lie to you, it does get worse. And then maybe worse again. And again. But there’s this magic process you haven’t come across yet, where even though in some ways it gets worse, it never feels quite as bad as that very first time. Because you’re growing and learning and after you survive it once you always know, deep down inside of you, that you’re going to survive it again. And you’re going to learn all these little skills – and big skills! – that help you get through. You’re going to be ok. Maybe not always, but you are going to be ok. 

I would say please don’t drink, but if you’re 13/14 it’s already too late for that. So I’ll say this instead: you know how you always knew, from when you were really little, that you didn’t want to drink? And you were adamant that you never would, and you always thought if you did it wouldn’t end well, but you didn’t know why? Well, that was your gut instinct, and it was a good one. Learn to listen to your gut – it very rarely serves you wrong. So I know you’ve already had a drink, and done some other things, and I know it feels really great right now. I also know I can’t change what happened (or is going to happen, from your perspective). So I’ll say enjoy it while you can. Enjoy it while it’s fun and have those memories that we treasure. The world is a confusing place; it’s a paradox and time is a funny thing – things can be both good and bad. But listen, when it gets too much, know there is hope. Know that this isn’t going to be forever, and you are going to be ok again, I promise. I promise you the madness it’s going to cause is not going to rule your whole life. And I promise you that one day you’ll actually be grateful for it, strange as that may seem. 

But that’s a few years away yet anyhow. For now it might be more relevant to say that food isn’t the enemy and that you are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to exist and feel and show that you feel. I know right now a lot of your time is taken up thinking about food, and actually you don’t even think that’s a problem yet. Well, you’ll figure it out. There’s a lot of cycles and waves in this life, and you’re gonna ride every one of them out. And you’re not going to do it alone. 

In a few months you’re going to meet this amazing person – she’s a bit crazy. I’d like to say thank you for trusting your gut instinct that first day you met her; the one that says ‘this person gets me’. She does. She’s going to help you. And that’s also going to unleash a whole load of other sh*t in your head because once you open the floodgates of emotion, it’s hard to close them. But you’re not going to be alone. Lean into the people who help you, even when it feels uncomfortable and you’re ashamed to do it, because one day you’re going to be able to show them it was worth it. You are going to meet like-minded, supportive people, and make true deep friendships. Loneliness isn’t going to go away completely, I doubt it ever does, but slowly you’re going to learn to make connections and redefine what that means for you. It’s a process we’re still going through – and we’ve come to appreciate it’s actually kind of a wonderful thing that learning is lifelong. You never stop growing. 

I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you. All the unforgivable things that make you think there’s no point, the whirlwind of self-destructive hate that spirals out to others – I forgive you for all of it. You are doing the best you can. And one day you’re going to be able to do better. And in 5,10,15 years you’ll be able to do better again! So I not only forgive you, but I thank you for trying so damn hard to keep going when it all seems impossible. 

If I could actually give this letter to you, the one thing I would probably most like to say is that you’re autistic. Surprise! You’re going to find out in about two years and it’s going to make a whole lot of sense and it’s going to change your life. It’s going to be a catalyst in helping you to understand yourself and learn to exist in this world. Because you’re not broken, you’re living in a world that wasn’t built for you. So when in a few months the whole world comes crashing in around you and you can’t be the perfect A* student you built your identity around (don’t worry, it’s actually a blessing to get to rebuild your sense of self and be able to do other things), know that you are allowed to express your needs. You are allowed to be tired and burnt out and unable to carry on at that level without support or understanding. You are allowed to take up space – I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. 

Ok, what else would you like to know? We’re still obsessed with Carrie Fisher. You were right, we do have a developing mood disorder. Also anxiety, a lot of it. Oh! You’re going to act! You’re going to see your dreams becoming reality and it’s going to feel even better after all this hurt because you’ll understand how precious it really is. You’re actually quite funny, and it wouldn’t hurt you to trust that you can lean into your comedy every now and then. You write a lot, including a lot of poetry (we like poetry now). You went around Europe on your own for 2 months at 17, just like we’d always dreamed! You run a mental health space, have been on a podcast, won an award. We’re still gay. So yeah, you’re ok. You’re not perfect, no one is, so it’s ok to stop chasing that idea of perfection. And you don’t need to do crazy, harmful things to gain other people’s approval and affection. Laughter is the key to making it through rough times – you have to be able to find life funny. Oh and also – not everyone can hear colour?? We were 15 by the time we realised that! 

I love you, always, through all of it. You’ve got this, even when it feels like you don’t. And I’ll be waiting right here for you in a few years, 

Love, 

You.

Posted in autism, neurodiversity

Neurodiversity Dictionary

Here’s a quick breakdown of some terms commonly seen when talking about neurodiversity. I use many of these in my writing so want to make sure everyone understands, and also by understanding this language we can help build a world more accesible to neurodiverse people. If you have any questions about these or any other terms let me know in the comments below!

Neurodivergent

Neurodivergence means that someone’s brain learns, processes, and/or behaves differently from what is considered the norm. Autism and ADHD are most commonly associated with being neurodivergent, but the term also encompasses many other conditions and ways of braining (so to speak) such as: OCD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Bipolar, Dyscalculia, Down Syndrome, epilepsy, and other chronic mental health conditions. 

Neurotypical

Neurotypical describes someone who’s brain tends to function in the way that is considered the norm, more aligned to how the world is set up. This can be seen abbreviated to NT. 

Allistic

Allistic means not autistic. It doesn’t necessarily mean someone is neurotypical, it just means that they’re not autistic. 

Functioning Labels

Some people use terms such as ‘high-functioning/ low-functioning’ to describe the presentation of neurodivergent people, especially autistic people. However many neurodivergent people don’t like the use of these labels at all. This is because high-functioning essentially means ‘more able to act neurotypical’ and erases the very real challenges in their lives, and challenges from being able to present more neurotypical when they are not! Meanwhile ‘low-functioning’ tends to write people off as having less value or ability to do anything because they don’t conform to neurotypical standards. There are many more issues with these labels, but all to say that these labels fail to encompass the experience of neurodivergent people and puts them in boxes – unless a neurodivergent person tells you it’s ok to use these labels specifically to describe them, it’s best to avoid them. 

Stimming

Stimming stands for self-stimulatory behaviour. It involves the repetition of some kind of movement, sound or behaviour to regulate a person’s nervous system. While all people may stim sometimes, it is a common trait in neurodivergent people – especially those with autism or ADHD – to stim regularly, although some people may have been trained or forced not to stim which can be very damaging. Examples may be flapping hands, bouncing their legs, humming – the list goes on and on. Unless the behaviour is immediately dangerous to the person you should never try to stop them (and even if it is, proceed with caution and sensitivity). 

Nonverbal

Nonverbal means a person does not speak. You may hear the term ‘nonverbal autistic’ or ‘non speaking autistic’. Being nonverbal does not mean a person is less worthy or less able to communicate, nor does it mean anything about their intelligence or personality; it simply means they don’t speak – and it is important that they are provided the resources to express their own experience, needs, and access education. It’s also very important within the autistic community that we uplift and listen to nonverbal autistic voices – especially POC nonverbal voices – as they are often the most ostracised. Here are three pages on Instagram you can have a look at:

  • @ galaxibrain
  • @ fidgets.and.fries
  • @ nigh.functioning.autism

Ableism

Ableism refers to the system, and as a part of that the individual actions and words, that discriminate against disabled people (many neurodiverse people are disabled, which is not a bad word). Ableism is often not understood or recognised and it is intrinsically linked with racism, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, and economic inequality. It affects the life of disabled people everyday. 

Masking

Masking means a neurodivergent person is covering up their traits. Many people learn to do this to be accepted easier, and may not even know they are doing it, and it can lead to serious burnout. Sometimes people are forced to mask in situations for their own safety.

Sensory Seeking/ Sensory Avoidant

These terms can refer to specific behaviour or the whole experience of an individual. For example someone may describe themselves as ‘sensory seeking’ meaning that they often act in a way that looks for more sensory input to regulate their nervous system and how they are feeling. This would mean they are under sensitive to input like noise, texture etc. Meanwhile someone who was sensory avoidant would be extra sensitive to sensory input, so they would look to lower how much sensory input they had. People may not even realise this is what they are doing. Some people may be sensory seeking at times and sensory avoidant at others – it’s not always the same. 

Sensory Overload

Sensory overload is when your five senses take in more information than your brain can process at that time. This can set off a fight, flight or freeze reaction which can feel really scary and like a crisis to the individual, especially if they don’t understand what’s going on. It can present in lots of different ways. The difference between sensory overload and an anxiety or panic attack is that sensory overload will usually subside/ lessen when sensory input is decreased. 

Tics

Tics commonly occur alongside lots of neurodivergent conditions. They are involuntary sounds or movements and the person cannot stop these from happening. 

Echolalia

Echolalia is the meaningless repetition of something someone has just said. Autistic people, those with Tourette’s or developmental/ neurological conditions can often have echolalia. 

ABA

ABA stands for applied behaviour analysis. It’s a therapy that many autistic people, especially children, are subjected to to try and modify their behaviour so it is seen as safer or more acceptable. The problem is it often teaches autistic kids to mask and many people have come out later in life to speak out against the trauma they experienced from ABA. There is a lot of pushback from the autistic community on this kind of therapy being used, but the conversation is complicated as many parents of autistic kids often have no other choices when worried about their child’s safety or where their children will go everyday. This is not a field of great knowledge for me so once again I would refer you to research autistic viewpoints if you’d like to know more about ABA (fidget.and.fries on Instagram ein particular has a downloadable file of all their extensive writings on ABA).

Self-diagnosis

Self-diagnosis is a term often seen with autistic and ADHDers. It means that they have not chosen to or been able to pursue an official diagnosis from a ‘professional’, but that they recognise themselves to be neurodivergent. Many people do not have equal access to professional diagnosis – and the diagnostic system itself is very outdated – so they have to self-diagnose. It’s important they are respected and listened to regardless. Some people may also choose not to pursue an official diagnosis because they are worried about the repercussions of this. 

Person-first language vs identity-first language

Identity first language puts the condition of a person first – for example ‘autistic person’. Person first language puts the person first – for example ‘person with autism’. They’re are arguments for both. Some people see person first language as emphasising the fullness of a person without defining them by their condition, while identity first language can be seen as recognising how the condition is an intrinsic part of a person and not something to be ashamed of. A large part of the autistic community in specific is in favour of identity first language, however it will always come down to personal preference, and each person’s preference should be honoured when referring to them specifically.

Posted in Managing Mental Health, Mental Health

How to Support Someone With Mental Health Issues

It can be extremely hard to watch someone you love and care about going through a tough time regarding their mental health. It can also be painful if someone close to you discloses their mental illness or mental health struggles and you had no idea about it. You may feel like a failure yourself, like there’s nothing you can do, like you are useless. Essentially it may start to impact your mental health as well. That’s why the most important thing to remember when supporting someone with mental health issues is that you need to look after yourself as well. You have to.

1. Look after yourself

Sometimes we want to rush in and save the whole world – fix everything – but this simply isn’t possible. Perhaps at first it may seem like a good idea to try and take on the other person’s issues entirely as your own, without giving yourself the space needed to process your own emotions. In fact for a short while this may actually help the other person – but that’s not sustainable; long term it will lead to you burning out, struggling yourself or becoming resentful, likely making the entire situation worse. That’s why it’s so important to look after yourself, even if this is just journaling at the end of the day to help you sort out the feelings of the day, or doing a hobby once a week, the possibilities are limitless and you have to find what works for you. The important thing is that you do find it. And putting in boundaries with the person you are supporting can also help this, and most likely will help them in the long run too.

2. Listen to them

Many people with mental health issues, especially when they are first opening up about them, doubt themselves, feel ashamed or invalidated. By listening to them with an open mind you can help lessen these feelings. And by listening, I mean just that. Not everyone wants (nor even needs) advice or solutions all the time, sometimes they just need to be heard so they feel a little less alone. When having a conversation about their emotions/ experience it can be really helpful to ask the question ‘would you like me to offer advice or just listen to you?’. Validating their experience through listening to them can have a huge impact for someone struggling and give them confidence and reassurance. Remember that they are the one that lives in their brain, and they know what they are going through better than anyone else; it’s not your job to dictate to them what they are undergoing. However, linking to my last point, it is important that you don’t take on all of their feelings for yourself, so placing boundaries can be really helpful – for example requesting that before they talk to you, they ask you if you are in a place to have that conversation.

3. Involve them

Going through a tough time mentally can feel very isolating, and our brains can make us feel very lonely and rejected. That’s why it’s important to continue to involve someone who is struggling mentally. This could mean continuing to invite them to social events while making clear there is no pressure or expectations placed upon them to attend. If they accept and invitation, it might then mean making some accommodations for them, like helping them order food if that’s a point of anxiety for them or giving them some space if they need it for example. It might also mean offering to meet them one on one for a while if that’s easier for them, or talking with them about plans to keep them safe and checking in with them regularly. To relate to my last point, if you’re unsure of what to do, you can always ask them if they have any ideas or if there’s a way you can accommodate them better. This is a huge sign that you care for and accept them still.

4. Research their experience

If the person you are supporting has a diagnosis or has disclosed to you specific symptoms, it can be helpful for your own knowledge to research this. A quick google search will bring up symptoms lists and examples of how these might affect them, but I would also encourage you to look beyond this and read up on the personal experience of different people from different walks of life to get a clearer picture. This can help you understand the person you are supporting better without the worry that you are prying to much, and it can help them to feel seen as this informs how you support them.

5. Make them a happy kit

I’ve made a previous post on this, which you can read here. A happy kit is essentially a little collection of things that can help someone process their emotions, get through a crisis moment, or just generally cheer them up. It can include some things that they find calming or cheering, and maybe a list of distractions and mini coping exercises to try. Distractions are also a really great way to help someone with a mental health issue – it’s not a long term fix but it can help them escape their brain for a minute and feel more ready to face the day. If a distraction is creative it could also be a way of helping them to express themselves, and feel less alone if you’re doing it together.

6. Help with small tasks

Small tasks such as cleaning, ordering food, or remembering deadlines can become seemingly impossible for someone experiencing a mental health struggle. If you feel up to it you can offer to help them with these small tasks, even if that’s just by doing it with them (for example cleaning together one afternoon, or going food shopping together). As always, asking them how best to help is always a good idea, and if they’re not sure offering something specific – such as sending them a reminder text – might appeal to them.

7. Show them you care

It’s simple, but one of the most helpful and meaningful things anyone has ever done for me during my own struggles has been showing me they cared. This could mean writing someone a supportive letter, or making them a playlist. Just something simple that lets them know you care.

7. Be patient

We all have mental health and it can be a long term challenge to face for many. Someone in the midsts of a struggle isn’t going to overcome it overnight, but with amazing people like you willing to support them, they can find their way through. Keep in mind that you need to be patient – one of the reasons why looking after yourself is so important – and that their struggles are not a comment on you, ever. Eventually the sun will come shining through!

Posted in Mental Health, Personal Growth

Lessons from Bipolar

I have struggled, and continue to struggle, with my mental health for quite a few years. At first it felt like I was going insane all on my own – a very isolating experience. Slowly, I am learning to manage my mental health, understand myself, and vocalise my experience; it would be untrue to say that receiving the diagnosis of cyclothymia (a subtype of bipolar disorder) did not aid facilitate this. As I continue to battle with my mind, I’ve realised that being in opposition to the reality of my experience does nothing to help me. I am learning to embrace and accept this part of me, and to change my attitudes towards my challenges. Now I try to – though is is difficult – find positivity and gratitude for what I go through; one way I do this is by reflecting on the lessons I have learnt along the way while dealing with this disorder.

So here are some of the lessons I embrace from bipolar: 

First and foremost, there is always good in the bad, even if we can’t see it at the time. Along these lines, when I felt that I had lost myself (as I frequently did) I was actually growing the most, almost like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. And the things I had struggled with most became my greatest sources of strength. Not only this, but what I have been through can actually help other people – for them to feel less alone, for me to share some small wisdom, etc. 

Looking back, I know nothing is too big or difficult for me to overcome. Nothing. I used to live in such fear of the next episode or the next ‘thing’, but each time I survived, and came out stronger – if a bit exhausted. It may take a while, but I will find my path; just because there are bumps along the road doesn’t mean the road has ended, sometimes the bumps make the end result so much more worthwhile. 

Nonetheless, I couldn’t do this alone. The great thing? I don’t have to. I know that now. And asking for help is a brave thing to do, not a weak thing. Anyone living with a mental illness is so strong, not weak or broken. Asking for help has led me to some of the most amazing, kindest people out there, and it was worth the time it took to find them. There are masses of people out there willing to support someone. 

Along the way I’ve made many mistakes; misdirected attempts to cope. But recovering from these (recovery: a journey) has taught me that I am more than my mistakes – I am a nuanced person and neither my slip ups nor my illness define me. The most important steps and changes I make in recovery are the little ones, because they add up and make a huge difference. One day at a time. 

However, I’ve learnt that sometimes I need to do the things I don’t want to or think I don’t have the energy to in order to help me in the long run, for this is certainly a marathon not a sprint. Still, just because I have this difficulty doesn’t mean that it’s a defect. I have learnt that I can face any challenge so long as I approach it with creativity, and from my struggles I can find inspiration. For example, turning my hypomanic experience into poetry. 

For anyone grappling with their diagnosis, keep going yet. This too shall pass, and you are not alone.